The Bathroom Parlor

That darn Lyle sure does like to use the bathroom a lot… surprised he’s able to sit on the throne after giving us so much crap.

He comes into the morgue, clocks in for his shift of deadly duties, then goes immediately into the bathroom.

“What does he do in there?” you might ask. None of us actually knows. Some speculate he vapes. Some say he sleeps. Some suppose he’s just playing zombie games on his phone. But me, I know the truth… he, too, is dead and is need of service.

Lyle has always been this way since he’s been hired at the North Country Morgue. He has a snarky attitude, so dead people love him – they feast on negative energy to unleash back at us in the form of complaints, accusations, insurrections, all the scary bits.

From what I heard, Karl only hired Lyle because of his impressive woodworking skills – he slayed 618 vampires with a single wooden stake. What does that have to do with working here? I’m not even sure what he does all day.

Not to mention the week that Arlo was in charge of the morgue for a week since Karl couldn’t handle the smell of the dead bodies. Weakling.

The restrooms here are full of mystery. The water tank never fills up, so we always call the restrooms broken. Out of order. Unusable. But it’s mainly the one for our deceased patients that’s nonfunctional.

So what did we do that week? We put up an “Out of Order” sign, only leading the brainless fiends to walk over to the employee restroom, guarded by a door that says “Employees Only.” The door is as closed as the words on a scorched piece of paper aren’t readable. And what do these big-boned hooligans do anyway? They open the door and use OUR restroom.

Once upon a time, someone put up a “No Public Restroom” sign on the employee door, which we kept closed. Did it change anything? No. Were questions asked? Yes. Like what?

I’m sorry it’s so bad for those dead guys. Like what business could they possibly be performing that they urgently need a restroom? Are they summoning more of their dense friends? Are they calling the po-po for their duties and yet receiving not a sliver of an answer? No, our bathroom is not a parlor though you simpletons think so. It’s not meant to receive ghoulish guests but rather ghoulish workers.

By Haslia